census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
