I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
