How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
