I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
