Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
