onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
