Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
