Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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