Tell her she can't have a vagina
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
