I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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