At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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