we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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