It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
