even my farts smell like vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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