i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
