I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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