I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
