Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
