I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
