i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
