life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
