I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
