you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
