if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
