so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
what day is it and did you see me today?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
