Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize