remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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