My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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