Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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