you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
