they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize