you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
