Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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