that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
