I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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