Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
