we're chasing vodka with high fives
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
