God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
