I should be sponsored by Trojan
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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