i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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