Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
