the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
