i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
