I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
