I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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