That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
