I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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