he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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