i wish my penis had a tongue
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
