I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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