i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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