She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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