You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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