so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
