I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
