Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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