and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
