M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
